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Friday, December 3, 2010
@ 7:39 PM There's 1 thing tats always in my mind this days.... I just dunno noe how 2 say. But, now, 2day, i finally now tat its not tat i dunno how 2 say. Its tat i dun wan 2say. This week, not including monday, when i went 2 KBCC de basket ball court, I always went 2 my so called " hiding place " 2 think bout 2 things... my past n future. I think about the times when i'm with my friens when i was Sec 1 n i oso think bout the times when i'm with my friens now. I found tat the person who Once hurt me, had become my a frien which understand me. N it is tat she REALLY do understand me... But, tat frien who understands me the most in the past, had now become a frien who does not really understand me. This year, had happened alot alot of things... I so called " joined " a group. N they become my best frien... But, things always change. N slowly, I found out tat no matter how near we r, I'm always very far from them. N it nvm changed... I dun regret 2 be at their side but, I do... Really hope tat i'm not tat close 2 them. It's not their fault n i dunno if it my fault. But i'm very sure tat we r not meant 2 be best friens in the 1st place... N 2 me, It aready shows when i joined them. I dun fit in... Watever i do. I just dun. With them, in their group, i really, just feels so useless n helpless. There's 1 time. No... Sometime, when we go out 2gether, as a group or just personal hang out, I was sooo excited. N i keep on wondering wat i should say or do. But on tat day, watever they do or say, i cant catch up. I cant catch up with their movements n the things they say. Tats then, i become, in their eyes, is " emo ". I think n think wat i should say 2 catch up with them. N theres oso times when i wanted 2 help. Even if its a very small thing, i just hope i could help. Theres oso times when one of them dun lik my childish attitude n emo attitude but, as 4 childish, it the only attitude i dun wan 2 change. No matter wat. N the emo attitude, is when thing dun work out as happy as i think it would be so, I just got dissapointed or, When i had enough of those dissapointment, when i was thinking of giving up. N slowly, i start 2 hang out with them lesser. But still i tried 2 catch up with them every time i go out with them. Even though it dun work. I didnt giv up. Till 2day, i mak up my mind in I should giv up or not... Tat thinking of giving up has been in my mind 4 every long time. N i had an ans 2day... I was looking up at the blue sky. N my tears roll down. I had tried. My best or not, i dunno. I only noe tat all this emotion cant continue anymore... Cus every time we hang out, at the last moment, i will only get dissapointed. N next, it was lik theres a needle in my heart. All this time n it nv came out. It only increase. N by tat, i made up my mind 2 giv up. Cuz i just can build up any hope on them anymore. No matter wat i've tried. It only hurts more 4 me 2 think of putting my hopes on them. We r just not meant 2 be best frien. I oso dun fit in. My tears keep on falling when i think about the past. I've changed... Weaker then be4. N really helpless then be4. I cant keep those hopes up any more... I really cant. Cuz if i get dissapointed once more... I'll really totally, lock myself away... So tat i dun hav 2 feel dissapointed anymore. So tat i dun hav 2 feel lonly on watever i do anymore. I hav 2 say i'm sorry. But i really cant help it. N, the 3 of them look much more better without me. Whether i'm in their group or not, 2 me, I'm always not in. Tats the truth in my mind. Tats wat i really feel. So from now onwards, i'm not in their group anymore. I'm sorry. I'm really sorry. But i hope they will understand me after they had read this... |